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Monday, February 13, 2012

How much weight does a father figure hold on the success of a woman's relationships?

Hmmm…so I’m watching Sex and the City (not a recommendation if you actually want to have a real-life, positive relationship with a man) and Carrie says “how much does a father-figure figure?”

Hmmm. The girls' on to something.

I don't know about you but I did not have a father figure growing up and was raised by a mother who had to work all the time so I spent a lot of time alone. I recognize this makes it difficult for me to have any type of generic relationship with a man because, well, I'm used to being alone, I'm quite a bit demanding, and I would rather stay alone than be in an unfulfilling relationship.

But here lately I have been dealing with the fact that whenever I AM in a relationship, I tend to require A LOT of time and affection. Carrie's comment makes me wonder: Is it really possible that I am so needy and insecure because I never had a man in my life who made me feel loved and valued? 

Common sense answer: yes. But is it really that simple?
And if so, am I destined to remain this way and run from potentially beneficial relationships for the rest of my life simply because I have no gauge upon which to measure my male interactions?

Surely there are women who were raised by a single mother who grew up able to have positive relationships?...surely?...right?

Remember when George Michael sang of being a girls' father figure? (is he smelling is arm pit? OM Gosh) He says, "and I will be the one who loves you 'til the end of time." {sigh} My heart and body swoon at the mere thought of a man saying this to me and meaning it. I wonder if deep down, this is all each of us really wants.

What do you think?
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Sunday, December 11, 2011

Don’t waste it: The One That Got Away

Well, last night, he came back. Full force.

He told me everything I ever wanted to hear and hoped he had felt and things I never knew he had even thought of.

This boy is the one boy I’ve ever truly opened my heart up to and when I did, my greatest fear happened; I got hurt beyond repair....

He and I shared this attraction, this…passion…this connection that maybe only happens once in a lifetime. You’ve probably had one of those. The relationship that, even when it ends, it’s never really over? We both knew we were “meant to be” together but back then neither of us was mature enough to know how to navigate that kind of love and we were both terrified of the power we knew it had over us. And it definitely had power.

Even when we tried to walk away from each we couldn’t. We tried to destroy it and make it go away. I know that sounds horrible but people do it all the time. It’s when you meet a good person that you know could love you for life, but you don’t let it in for petty, regrettable reasons. Same thing.

Of all the crap we put our relationship through, over the years, its still held on and is alive and very well today.
There have been spans of months where I’ve told him to just go away. I like peace in my life and I always felt like we were both pushing and pulling against one another because we would not give in to our relationship and just let our hearts love one another. The friction created such a distraction from everything else that we literally became emotionally toxic to one another. So much so that I would often just walk away instead of staying and dealing with what was going on. Definitely the wrong thing to do. But I didn’t know how else to handle it. And I require so much of myself that I could not let these emotions get in the way of my goals.

But no matter how many times I walked away, he was always first in my heart. No matter how many boys I dated, no matter how much time passed, and no matter how much I try to block it out, my body knows…it knows. So for the first time in over a year, we sat down last night and just talked. We are recently off of a no communication sabbatical (dictated by me) and this time, I really intended to never see him again. I had finally accepted that no matter how strong our feelings are for one another we just can’t seem to get on the same page so forward movement simply had to occur.

The second night after I walked away from him this last time – this was about two months ago – I mourned our relationship in a way I had never experienced. I think it was just that I had finally decided to let it go and it hurt me so much that I actually cried in my sleep. Didn’t cry awake at all, but I remember waking in the middle of the night sobbing. So pathetic, right? It is. I know. But it’s real.

To know that that kind of love exists in the world but that so many of us trick ourselves out of the opportunity to capture it…my gosh. Our relationship was never about sex or money or taking from the other person. From day one we loved each other with no good reason for it. And even when we’ve been apart, there’s never been a moment that we could not reach one another or when we really left one another. Even when there were states between us.

Man, this is hard to write. Especially since I don’t know what I’m going to do. I think I know what I “should” do. But I’m so afraid. We’re both afraid and we’ve made that very clear to one another. We’d never fully done that before.

Before we got together last night I talked with a girlfriend of mine. I didn’t even know she had been in a similar situation. She said that she walked away from the man she loved and married a safe bet out of fear. Now she’s back with the man she loved (yay) but going through a divorce with the other guy and she and her real love have lost eight years of time they could have had together and now they’re too old to have kids. She told me that if he’s telling me I’m the one and I want it, don’t waste it. Don’t waste it.

That’s what I would say to you, girls. No matter what you’ve got facing you right now.

No matter what you’re debating or trying to get in order, don’t waste it. We tend to act like we’ve got all the time in the world to do the things we want to do. We rarely take a moment to recognize the high level of mortality in life.

You hear this all the time, but please hear every word of it right now: YOU DO NOT HAVE FOREVER.
This shit does end. And usually suddenly. Then it’s over.

If there’s something you want to do, do it. If you’re scared, screw it, do it anyway. If you do it with your whole heart from the beginning, even if it doesn’t work out, you won’t have any regrets and you’ll have learned something valuable. I think that’s the greatest “trick” in life; to live in a manner that creates the fewest regrets.

Don’t let an opportunity slip through your fingers when it’s something you know you’ve always wanted. Step up to the plate, and try. Take what you want. It’s sitting right there and if you don’t like it later, you CAN change your mind. But if you don’t take it now, who knows if it will be there tomorrow.

Take it, ladies.

Don’t waste it.

Love, Bridgette

- Girls are Grand!

Monday, November 14, 2011

The simple truth: No man can do it all for you.

This hot body here is most likely attached to an unemployed waiter who lives with his parents, has no outlook on the future, and struggles in the sack because of all the "vitamins" and Jager Bombs. Sorry girls. No man in the world truly "has it all."

I’m sorry and I wish it wasn’t so. But this is one of the major issues for women today. We expect men to be like in the romance fairy tales. Strong, strapping, protective, passionate…a super hero in our lives. When that type of personification is translated into real like and attached to a real person, it should not be surprising that it falls short. 

Now, of course we don’t really expect “super men” but we do expect some things that I’ve learned very rarely come hand in hand simply because it is not plausible.

For instance, a great sex life.

That is something many women truly desire and need and it seems simple and acceptable to think that find this would be a relatively easy thing to do. However, given the fact that most women need emotional stimulation in order to have the openness with a man that produces great sex internally (no pun intended), there are stipulations put on the type of man who we can have great sex with right up front. 

Things like wining and dining us. Things like emotional attention and physical affection prior to the bedroom experience. Feeling safe and comfortable with the man.

The problem is, these things take time to build. Time which some men, particularly the ones that you actually want in your life, may not have time to give. 

Let me be more specific:
If you want great sex, that requires the man to be someone you have fun with, have an emotional connection with, and have spent enough time with to become comfortable.

BUT, if you want a man who is ambitious, not a slacker, gainfully employed, and has the wisdom to know moreso what to do with a woman emotionally and how to handle her shifts, you’re talking about an older man, most likely a business man of some sort, who does not have a lot of time to spare because he’s out handling his business, but does not want to be alone either so tries to balance work with pleasure and is unable to do so to your satisfaction because, by nature, most men are not able to effectively focus on one thing at a time. It’s just their nature.

So you’re now in a position where you have to choose A. Great sex with a slacker kind of guy (because he has all the time in the world to talk to you about how you feel, spend time with you (even though he can only take you to McDonald’s), and he can give you that romance and fore play you need for the start of a great sexual experience built upon affectionate emotions.

OR you can have the nice man who has some things going for himself and, thus, can probably only see you once, maybe twice per week, leaving you to wonder if he has a woman on the side (he might, but if he is a financially successful man, her name is most likely ‘Dola Bill). He will not be able to cultivate feelings of passion in you as much unless you spend a very long time getting to know him as you two have a schedule that allows it. He WILL, however, be very dependable, he will be a help to you in times of need, and when you do have physical interactions, he will not take it for granted.

So in a way, I think this may be written for the men. We ladies are always trying to get them to do both sides of the coin; great sex and fun times on a regular base AND financially stability and ambition. When the truth is, only very very very few men can actually do this. 

We expect it from them because we know that it is within ourselves and we never take the time to fully consider their limitations as being natural and not necessarily something they can really help.

So it’s time to make a decision, ladies. Sex and quality time or Money and dependability.

Sucks to have to choose doesn’t it? I’m opting for the get one of each category and live it up! 

Happy hunting!
Girls are Grand!

Monday, November 7, 2011

Sorry for the Sabbatical Ladies!

Thanks to everyone who checked out my first post. I was out for a while getting some things in order (and getting rid of another man who was holding me back) but now I'M BACK and ready to rock out with you guys and help you see that you don't have to settle for less than awesomeness in the man you get with. How do I know? Because I've known some awesome men and they really do exist. Really. Granted all the ones I met were either in a relationship (and remained faithful) or I simply did not see them "that way." Now, don't get me wrong, I've never met a good man that I didn't think about sleeping with-come on, have you? But I have met some guys that were just genuinely good guys that I had the thought about but it was just a passing one.

So don't give up. Hang in there with me. We're about to dig into how to get rid of the baggage, let go of the losers once and for all (and I'll tell you my definition of 'loser' later) and let's get on the road to moving on and getting you what you really want.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Season Opener

Okay, I'm going to be honest with you. This is gonna hurt.

The only time we as women need a blog like this is when we're doing stupid stuff, we SEE ourselves doing stupid stuff, but it's like an uncontrollable dry heave that simple cannot be stopped.

So what you read here is going to say some things you REALLY REALLY REALLY do not want to hear, but you know it's true deep down and also, you're here. So that means you must need to hear it.

So let's go ahead and do the work. Rip off the bandaid. Break these crappy dating habits and get to what we really want anyway: love. Real love. The kind that truly exists, not that movie theater BS. That's 80% of our problem. We've got these unrealistic expectations and even a good man is not enough for us anymore (you know there's a guy you can think of right now that was truly a good man and was better to you than any man has ever been-see his face? Yeah. And you walked away. Why? Because he didn't fulfill some expectation you had that is most likely unattainable when put in combination with all of the things you TRULY need. All of the things that he provided...tell the truth. You know I'm hitting home. Heck, I'm hitting home for myself).

So that's what this blog is for. Stopping the madness and cutting off the habit of wasting time by pursuing men that clearly do not want us.

Yes you may love him and yes, he is absolutely going to regret his decision one day. But hanging around and pining for him, being distracted from your work because of him, and not letting any other guys have a shot with you is only destroying your potential to have real happiness some day.

So take my hand. Let's do the damn thing together and break the chains once and for all.

Share with me your stories, your questions, and your hurts and we'll get through them one day at a time.

Come on. Let's move on together.